Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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