I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
