you would pick up someone in the library
false alarm. still invincible.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
