I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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