alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
