my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
i think im in europe. pls send help
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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