i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
barbara walters just said penis...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
