bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
