You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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