broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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