dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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