so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
