weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
