It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
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