Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
