i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
