"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
