I wish I only lived at night.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
