I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
