I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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