You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
