he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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