Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
