Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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