i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Randomize
