I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Dicks are not precious.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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