What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize