question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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