Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
