Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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