Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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