the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
cat food counts as protein by the way
they're like a gay fantastic four
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize