Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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