When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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