You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Success! We fucked roommates!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
