can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
