Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
