Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
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