yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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