I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
