I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
