Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
