then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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