Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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