it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
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