he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She's the barista slut.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
