I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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