I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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