she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
