life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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