hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
