New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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