i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
