Sry I called you an 8
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
