I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
