So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
