When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
