so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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