She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
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